Grief is one of the most difficult emotions in life to deal with for both the grieving person and the people who care about them. This difficulty is compounded by the fact that grief can look very different from one person to the next.
In the paragraphs below, we will discuss the varieties of grief, how you can help someone who is grieving, and when to suggest professional counselling.
Grief and its Variants
Grief is a normal reaction to loss. We usually think of it as a response to the death of a loved one, but other types of loss can also result in grief. For example, someone might grieve the loss of a job, the end of a relationship, or the loss of independence that often comes with aging. It is important to recognize that grief associated with non-death losses is also valid and can be just as intense as grief experienced after a death.
Grief has several varieties:
- Normal grief is when the grieving person goes through several stages before accepting the reality of the loss and beginning the healing process.
- Complicated grief which is characterized by an extended grieving period and difficulty moving ahead with life. Because it can last for so long, complicated grief can significantly impair a person’s ability to function normally.
- Anticipatory grief happens when someone grieves a loss that has not yet occurred. This type of grief is common in situations where a loved one is aging or terminally ill.
- Disenfranchised grief may be experienced when the grief is not acknowledged by others or recognized by society. For example, this can happen when a pet dies or someone suffers a miscarriage.
- Traumatic grief occurs in response to a loss that is sudden, unexpected, and often violent or traumatic. Symptoms similar to those of PTSD may occur, along with the other normal symptoms of grief.
- Delayed grief – when the full impact of loss is not felt immediately. Instead, the grieving process is postponed, and the intense emotions associated with grief may emerge much later.
Symptoms of Grief
The symptoms of grief can vary widely from one person to the next, but in general, they fall into these categories:
- Emotional Symptoms
Symptoms related to the emotions can include sadness, anger, guilt, anxiety, yearning, numbness, and loneliness. The grieving person may also feel overwhelmed, and in some cases, people experience relief, particularly if the person they have lost has been ill for a long time.
- Physical Symptoms
The experience of grief can also result in physical symptoms, including exhaustion, sleep disturbances, changes in appetite, headaches, muscle tension, crying spells, and a lowered immune response.
- Cognitive Symptoms
Certain thoughts and habits of mind are typical during the grieving process. For example, people may be confused, they may become preoccupied with thoughts about the deceased person and the way that they died, and they may have difficulty accepting the reality of the loss.
- Behavioural Symptoms
People who are grieving may do things like isolating themselves socially and increasing their use of substances.
How to Help Someone who is Grieving
Helping someone who is grieving can be challenging, especially because it is not always clear what the person is feeling and what type of help they need. In most cases, the following things are appropriate:
- Acknowledge the loss and the attendant grief.
Validate the loss that the person is feeling and their right to grieve. Too often, people who are trying to help will attempt to cheer the person up or diminish their grief. This is rarely helpful. Give the person a safe place where they can experience their feelings and work through them at their own pace.
- Listen actively and without judgment.
Allow the person to talk about the deceased person and about their feelings. Do not attempt to tell them how they should feel or how you would feel in the same situation. Do not make them feel ashamed of the manner in which they are grieving.
- Offer specific help.
When someone is grieving, they may not know what they need at that time. Rather than saying, “Let me know what I can do,” or “Call me if you need anything,” give them a list of things that you can do for them. Some examples are:
- Helping around the home with chores such as cooking and cleaning.
- Running errands.
- Assisting with funeral arrangements or helping on the day of the funeral with tasks like picking people up at the airport, supervising the catering, or distributing the floral arrangements when the service is over.
- Keeping them company or staying with them overnight.
- Be patient and consistent.
Everyone’s grief timeline is different, and you will not help the person by suggesting that it may be time to move on. Continue to support them over time, and be dependable by checking in with them regularly.
What to Avoid When you are Trying to Help Someone Who is Grieving
While it is important to support a grieving person with words and actions, it is just as important to avoid behaviours that can be unhelpful. Here are some things to NOT do:
- Uttering cliches and platitudes such as “during a better place,” “everything happens for a reason,” and so forth.
- Diminishing or minimizing their loss. Statements such as “at least she lived a long life” or “you can always have another child” can validate the person’s grief, which will only exacerbate their pain.
- Making it about you. You may want to share your own experience of loss and even tell the grieving person that you know how they feel. This can shift the focus away from their experience and onto yours. The grieving person and their loss should be the center of your attention.
- Offering unsolicited advice. What the grieving person likely needs the most is to work through the grieving process in the way that is best for them. Allow them to do that.
- Overwhelming them. It is natural to want to offer all the help that you can, but occasionally people just need space. Watch for signs that they want to be alone and try not to crowd them.
- Avoid them or the topic of loss. Death and grieving can be extremely uncomfortable to talk about, but you could make it worse by behaving as though it did not happen. Be available for the person and be willing to listen when they want to talk.
How Counselling Can Help
Grieving is a normal process, but in some cases, it can become pathological. If you believe the person you were trying to help is not moving through the grieving process productively, it may be time to suggest professional help. Here are some signs to watch out for:
- Intense sorrow and pain that are unrelenting.
- Preoccupation with thoughts of the deceased person to the extent that it interferes with the person’s ability to function.
- Numbness or detachment.
- Excessive irritability.
- Sleep disturbances.
- Feelings of emptiness or meaninglessness.
- Suicidal thoughts or behaviours.
- Avoiding reminders of the deceased person.
- Difficulty re-engaging with life.
- Difficulty accepting the loss.
- Persistent or worsening physical problems.
Sensitively suggesting professional counselling can be difficult, but if you are concerned, start by recommending a visit with the person’s family doctor. Their family doctor should be able to recognize that the grieving is pathological and can suggest treatment options.
If counselling is appropriate, the entire team at Kari Walton Counselling is prepared to help. We understand loss, and we can help your loved one move through the grieving process and experience the fullness of life again.
If we can help, please reach out to us.